
"For years I seem to have regarded myself as what Fr. Rolfe called a Nowt: a being without independent volition, directed wholly by circumstances and the will of others. If the circumstances were right (which was very infrequently), I could shine in a moment, and rise too, but I could do nothing to generate or to discover these circumstances. I was as the clown in French mime; with wild hair in place of long sleeves."
--Robert Aickman (The Attempted Rescue)
All rather upsetting:
'Others' include one's own body?
"I perceived that one is *born* happy or unhappy, just as one is born
successful or unsuccessful. [...} ...Millais stood out from the other young
painters as the one who was marked for success. It is beside the present
point that success did Millais so little good that he was seen weeping at
one of his last exhibitions; for the nature and worth of happiness are
often questionable also."
--Robert Aickman (The Attempted Rescue)