EXEGESIS

As part of the initiation, the novice monks were required to burst their own left eyeballs with a darning-needle, since this particular Order believed in one of the more esoteric interpretations of the Gospels where Jesus was depicted as one-eyed.

Their creative exegesis of the Bible knew no bounds. The State Church called them nobbut heretics.

One certain matter, however, caused much conflict between the monks themselves, during the winter of ’57.

They raised their own vegetables in the monastery garden. And in that year there was a glut of brussel sprouts which accentuated the textual inconsistencies. Those who followed Father Ervin’s dictum cut crosses in the sprouts’ bases after peeling off the many outer leaves – to help cook right through what were, after all, nobbut miniature cabbages and to keep the Devil out of them. The others, under the tutelage of the Abbot himself, said the act of cutting crosses was sacrilegious and that Y’s were not only less disrespectful but more efficacious in the boiling process.

“If the Devil gets in them, they’re more likely to give you wind,” was one argument used in the hot debate that ran for the whole winter.

Those on the other side maintained that the Devil did not exist anyway. A very close lateral reading of certain verses in the Book of the Revelation made this abundantly clear.

The following summer, when most had grown browned off with the sprout schism, Brother Orlando was squatting on the outside kitchen step shelling peas. The baking sun made him wish he did not have to wear thick cambric robes. But, never mind, it was rather a pleasant penance.

“Blimey, Orlando,” said Brother Gregory (who was destined in future seasons to become Pope), “these new spuds have got loads of eyes, this year.” He was waving the silver corer in the air.

There was no reply, other than an imperceptible fart from deep within the other’s robes … and a strange saucy wink.

(published ‘Read Me’ 1990)